I got sex, and I am so jaded…

I think I am fucked up in the head. Tell me what you think.

This evening, I was sitting on the couch. My husband says to me,
“Do you wanna cum?”

I did a double take, “what?” (Because I had to make sure my fantasies weren’t blending with my reality lol).

He says, “Do you wanna do stuff? And Cum?”

WOW, another go, in less than 2 weeks? I am there! As we are walking upstairs, I start to think to myself, hmmm, he said do stuff, he didn’t say make love, so let’s see where this goes.

We get to our room, I start to undress, and he is down to his boxers. I can already see that he is getting hard. He of course has the camera, and he starts taking pictures of me and my naked body kneeling on the bed, in an upright position, then laying down, and then spreading my legs. Taking many many pictures, stroking his hard cock with one hand, camera in the other.

He then says, “What are you gonna cum with?”

A-HA! I knew it! He didn’t want to make love. He wanted me to cum, and him capture it. UGH! I am OVER masturbating!

So I say to him “What? I can’t use you?”

He seemed hesitant, and then said, “Ok, I want you to cum, are you going to be on top then?”

I said “yes”.

Now, he says that, because number 1, he knows I cum when I am on top, and 2, he wants to continue to film me, and my faces, expressions, etc. He loves my “O” face, if I may reference Office Space for a moment lol.

I mean, a lot of our videos are mostly of my faces I make. An occasional breast shot, or clit/pussy shot if I lean back to show, but for the most part, he loves to film my face.

So, he lays back, and I begin to go down on him. Not that he needed it, he was already rock hard. But like I have said before, I enjoy giving head, and even though he hasn’t gone down on me in over 3 years, giving head for me, is a very sexual enjoyable feeling to me. So I suck his cock for bit, and then I climb on top of him.

It feels so good going in, and I start grinding my hips on him.

Then, for some reason, I just cannot cum. My brain is overrun with thoughts. Analyzing our entire sexual event as it is happening. I couldn’t believe myself. I am getting exactly what I have been bitching about, and I am not enjoying myself.

Perhaps because I was too busy wishing he were doing everything he wasn’t. In my quest to find the perfect sexual experience in an outside partner, I have now made myself totally jaded with the way my husband and I have been having sex (when I get sex from him) for the last year or so. It’s always, straight to the point, I am on top, he films, I cum, he gets on top, he cums.

No kissing, no fondling, my huge breasts are in his face, and not so much as a lick or kiss on my nipples. It is too the point where I am on top, and not enjoying myself at all. I have to keep my eyes closed, because I am trying to think of anything that could turn me on, to make me cum. I almost am at the point that I want to cry.

Then, the batteries start to die. I get off of him, and lay back. He tells me to keep playing with my clit, but not to cum without him. I told him he didn’t have to worry about that. lol

So I lay back, rub my clit, and try to relax.

It doesn’t work. He found new batteries and came back within 5 minutes. And in those 5 minute, not only did I NOT tease my clit anywhere near an orgasm, I think my brain made my anxiety even worse.

Now, his cock is not as hard as it was, so I go down on him. What is funny, is that he says, “your tasting your pussy juices” And I said, “So. Is that gross?” and he said, “No, I mean, if you don’t think so”, and I said, “It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve ever done that with you”

I mean, you would think that this was the first time we have ever had sex!!! I totally feel like I am in a twilight zone, really. So, I get him hard again, and I get back on top. My brain is fried. I don’t know if I will cum. I cannot even get a dirty though of fucking someone else because I am just so annoyed with the whole situation.

So, as my thoughts are running through my head, I try to lean down a bit and just move my hips where I am able to just try to get myself off. I start to tingle, and I think THANK GOD! Ok, now we are getting somewhere. So finally I cum. I am a noisemaker, and I always tell him when I am about to cum. So he gets the shot he wants of my “O” face. And he is so turned on, that he says, lay down, I wanna cum.

So he gets on top of me, and fucks me hard, which I love. He cums and we just lay there for a moment.

He gets in the bath, I get in the shower, and I am thinking to myself, that was not good sex. I mean, it was sex. But it wasn’t great, and it really was not good. So I say to him, “We really need to work on the whole foreplay thing”

and he says, “what?”

I said, “We really need to work on the whole foreplay thing. Because that’s the reason it took me so long to cum. I can’t go from, nothing to cumming. I need the stimulation. I mean, even just kissing and sucking my nipples would have sent me over the top, ya gotta give me something. I mean I know I am wet, but come on, you have to coax that clit out.”

He just shook his head yes.

I have a very small clit. And it can be very allusive. It’s a wonder that I can even have an orgasm! LOL I just have had a lot of practice, and I know what I need to do to get me there. But shit, I feel like I am having sex with a man with little or no experience.

I know he knows what to do. Shit, all we used to do for 2 months before we made love for the first time was make out heavily, and oral sex. So I know he knows what to do. We have gone totally backwards.

So NOW, my dilemma; It seems I may be getting the sex I wanted, but really, I am not.

This is so fucked up.